I joined Reddit in mid 2014, after a psychotic break I had six months earlier due to stopping my medication in mid 2013. I decided to post on reddit as an attempt to explore whether I should go public with my diagnosis in Lebanon. You see during my last psychosis, I made a lot of online videos and I think a lot of my friends found out that something was wrong with me. So I wanted to explain things. Since then I have opened up to two former friends and neither were very receptive.
So I am posting here on this blog to shed some myths and mainly explain how someone can live a more or less normal life while suffering from schizophrenia. Maybe this will offer support to others, especially younger people who have just been diagnosed. Also it is a bit cathartic to write about yourself.
I was first diagnosed in 2005 while posing a lot on online forums related to politics in Lebanon. I started thinking that the TV was talking to me and that the people I was talking to on the online forums were related to the major political parties in Lebanon (some of this might be true). I also started thinking that TV shows were being streamed live for me and that the presenters were tailoring the shows for me (a lot less likely to be true). At one point I started thinking that Hassan Nasrallah was targeting me in a speech were he was criticizing some Lebanese youth. Well one day I was chatting with people from those forums and there was a heated argument, then a car bomb happened next to my house. I thought that i was targeted and couldn’t sleep for days, until I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me medication. This is a little summary of my first psychosis, maybe i will expand on it in later posts.
Over the next three years I would live outside of Lebanon and would take medication sporadically. I would have another psychotic break when the war against Israel happened. Then I would have another break still when I would come back to Lebanon and stop my meds suddenly. That last break happened after I quit my meds for three months. Anyway that was the most severe break I suffered I would hallucinate, think that I am in purgatory, visit hell, have a glimpse of heaven, etc…
After it subsided with the help of medication, I would decide to go on medication full time. After having a fear of working, I would find a job and work for 3.5 years developing software. I would excel at it. During that time, all my symptoms were under control. Then in 2012, I would switch to another software development job where I had better opportunities and thrive. We had some trouble getting a client, but the work was progressing well. Then in mid 2012, I would start having some fears about diabetes. The medication stops the psychosis, but it causes weight gain. So with my doctor’s help we decide to switch medication to one that is more diabetes neutral and I start taking metformin. Anyway, my doctor had told me in 2009 that it was possible to wean off anti-psychotic medication after taking them for 5 years. In 2013, i would have reached that 5 years mark and with the help of my doctor I would wean off my medicine.
In early 2014, I would have another break, where I would make all the videos. I would also call all sorts of foreign embassies in Lebanon seeking asylum as a political refugee. Then a few months later, I would go back on medication. And then find a job in software development, where I work from home but full time. And a few months ago, i started an MBA ( I am writing this in early 2016).
So am I normal?
Well basically to a certain degree yes. My biggest health problem has to do with weight gain and pre-diabetes. My biggest social problem is that I have no girlfriend. But I work. I earn the same as anyone working in software in this country. I study, and I am doing well one some of the courses in my MBA. I go out with friends, although I could use a bigger social circle.
I would be fully normal if I didn’t have to take medication. But I don’t hear voices, see people who are not there, or have delusions of association (which have been my main symptom during psychosis). Mentally, I am the same as everyone else. That’s what the medication does and it works.
My biggest concern is whether I get accepted into Canada as an immigrant, which has been a life long dream of mine. My second is if a future employer finds out about my illness and discriminates against me.
Christianity and Islam?
Well, I have said that I had religious delusions in the past. I am still a believer to some extent, but I don’t think that anything that happened to me while psychotic was the work of God or the Devil.
Now I am a christian, and for years I have had several arguments about Islam. These arguments don’t come out of prejudice or something like that. It is just a topic I discuss because I think it has some weight on the politics of the middle east.
What about this blog?
Stay tuned. I have wanted to write about schizophrenia for years. Maybe this blog will turn into something more substantial.
So I am posting here on this blog to shed some myths and mainly explain how someone can live a more or less normal life while suffering from schizophrenia. Maybe this will offer support to others, especially younger people who have just been diagnosed. Also it is a bit cathartic to write about yourself.
I was first diagnosed in 2005 while posing a lot on online forums related to politics in Lebanon. I started thinking that the TV was talking to me and that the people I was talking to on the online forums were related to the major political parties in Lebanon (some of this might be true). I also started thinking that TV shows were being streamed live for me and that the presenters were tailoring the shows for me (a lot less likely to be true). At one point I started thinking that Hassan Nasrallah was targeting me in a speech were he was criticizing some Lebanese youth. Well one day I was chatting with people from those forums and there was a heated argument, then a car bomb happened next to my house. I thought that i was targeted and couldn’t sleep for days, until I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me medication. This is a little summary of my first psychosis, maybe i will expand on it in later posts.
Over the next three years I would live outside of Lebanon and would take medication sporadically. I would have another psychotic break when the war against Israel happened. Then I would have another break still when I would come back to Lebanon and stop my meds suddenly. That last break happened after I quit my meds for three months. Anyway that was the most severe break I suffered I would hallucinate, think that I am in purgatory, visit hell, have a glimpse of heaven, etc…
After it subsided with the help of medication, I would decide to go on medication full time. After having a fear of working, I would find a job and work for 3.5 years developing software. I would excel at it. During that time, all my symptoms were under control. Then in 2012, I would switch to another software development job where I had better opportunities and thrive. We had some trouble getting a client, but the work was progressing well. Then in mid 2012, I would start having some fears about diabetes. The medication stops the psychosis, but it causes weight gain. So with my doctor’s help we decide to switch medication to one that is more diabetes neutral and I start taking metformin. Anyway, my doctor had told me in 2009 that it was possible to wean off anti-psychotic medication after taking them for 5 years. In 2013, i would have reached that 5 years mark and with the help of my doctor I would wean off my medicine.
In early 2014, I would have another break, where I would make all the videos. I would also call all sorts of foreign embassies in Lebanon seeking asylum as a political refugee. Then a few months later, I would go back on medication. And then find a job in software development, where I work from home but full time. And a few months ago, i started an MBA ( I am writing this in early 2016).
So am I normal?
Well basically to a certain degree yes. My biggest health problem has to do with weight gain and pre-diabetes. My biggest social problem is that I have no girlfriend. But I work. I earn the same as anyone working in software in this country. I study, and I am doing well one some of the courses in my MBA. I go out with friends, although I could use a bigger social circle.
I would be fully normal if I didn’t have to take medication. But I don’t hear voices, see people who are not there, or have delusions of association (which have been my main symptom during psychosis). Mentally, I am the same as everyone else. That’s what the medication does and it works.
My biggest concern is whether I get accepted into Canada as an immigrant, which has been a life long dream of mine. My second is if a future employer finds out about my illness and discriminates against me.
Christianity and Islam?
Well, I have said that I had religious delusions in the past. I am still a believer to some extent, but I don’t think that anything that happened to me while psychotic was the work of God or the Devil.
Now I am a christian, and for years I have had several arguments about Islam. These arguments don’t come out of prejudice or something like that. It is just a topic I discuss because I think it has some weight on the politics of the middle east.
What about this blog?
Stay tuned. I have wanted to write about schizophrenia for years. Maybe this blog will turn into something more substantial.
