Someone posted on reddit/r/schizophrenia asking if psychosis sufferers found their delusions comical in hindsight? Well during my last psychosis, I made ab about a 100 videos that I posted on YouTube while psychotic. These documented basically my supposed asylum application to the united states. I was out of my wits at the time. I thought that the holy spirit descended upon me an the CIA/Mossad super spies were watching me and have there supercomputers hacking my computer etc…
But, at the time I thought at the time these videos were very funny. I would be talking racist, dumb shit mixed with some political analysis, all under the aegis of Jesus H Christ.
In one video, with the millions watching me I admitted that I am a serial masturbator (yes I admit this here, but I am part of NoFap and well I am supposed to be anonymous here).
Anyway, today I am watching one video I had made (I removed them from youtube a long time ago, but I saved all of them on a hard disk). It was painful to watch. Mainly because I was making a fool of myself. I thought at the time that people were laughing with me, but in fact they were laughing at me.
Yes, the whole situation in hindsight is funny. After all I thought that I had received the holly spirit and here in Lebanon it is a running comical saying that when someone gets an impossible inspiration, he has received the holy spirit. So it is funny. I think back and laugh, but then I think of the people who saw those videos and I feel shame…
You see this is the think with psychosis, you don’t dissociate. It is not as if some spirit takes over you and controls you, or a different personality takes hold. It is still you, but with some crazy fucked up assumption. To give you a flavor of what was running through my mind, think of yourself being Richard Dawkins the God of the Atheists, and then Jesus appears to him and proves to him he is real. How would Mr. Atheist behave. It would still be the same person, but with extra assumptions and changes of behavior.
At the time, tactile hallucination proved to me that I was God’s own Apostle. This Muhammad did not go to the mountain. The mountain came to me, unwelcome. How to explain it to people? And how to explain that it was all due to chemicals in my brain?… I laugh about it, sure, but then I meet someone who saw those videos and well….
But, at the time I thought at the time these videos were very funny. I would be talking racist, dumb shit mixed with some political analysis, all under the aegis of Jesus H Christ.
In one video, with the millions watching me I admitted that I am a serial masturbator (yes I admit this here, but I am part of NoFap and well I am supposed to be anonymous here).
Anyway, today I am watching one video I had made (I removed them from youtube a long time ago, but I saved all of them on a hard disk). It was painful to watch. Mainly because I was making a fool of myself. I thought at the time that people were laughing with me, but in fact they were laughing at me.
Yes, the whole situation in hindsight is funny. After all I thought that I had received the holly spirit and here in Lebanon it is a running comical saying that when someone gets an impossible inspiration, he has received the holy spirit. So it is funny. I think back and laugh, but then I think of the people who saw those videos and I feel shame…
You see this is the think with psychosis, you don’t dissociate. It is not as if some spirit takes over you and controls you, or a different personality takes hold. It is still you, but with some crazy fucked up assumption. To give you a flavor of what was running through my mind, think of yourself being Richard Dawkins the God of the Atheists, and then Jesus appears to him and proves to him he is real. How would Mr. Atheist behave. It would still be the same person, but with extra assumptions and changes of behavior.
At the time, tactile hallucination proved to me that I was God’s own Apostle. This Muhammad did not go to the mountain. The mountain came to me, unwelcome. How to explain it to people? And how to explain that it was all due to chemicals in my brain?… I laugh about it, sure, but then I meet someone who saw those videos and well….
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