So a lot of my delusions had to do with God. A common joke here in Lebanon is to refer to the epiphany that people have about some ideas as when the Holy Spirit descends upon them. Well, in my case I have thought that the Holy Spirit descended on me 4 times. It was of course not the Holy Spirt but insanity. This is when I have had psychotic breaks.
During those breaks, I have sought the help and advice of clergy. I was encouraged by my mother (a religious zealot) who at the time would think that I had a vocation to become a priest. Well, the clergy deferred on their views. The reasonable ones recognized that something was wrong with me, but just said to ignore this and focus on working and finding a wife. One cleric actually encouraged me and said that I was having a divine revelation. As it later turns out, he had impregnated a woman and left the clergy.
We are born on this earth and we have to deal with some strange things. Some people are born with two X chromosomes and one Y. They are neither male nor female. Some people are born with less developed brains. Some people are born with a genetic disposition for schizophrenia. Where is God is all of this? I think to myself, that my problems are my cross to bear and I should carry it just like our Lord carried his cross. But then I think to myself what’s exactly the point of bearing a cross. In my second psychosis, I thought that the world was coming to an end and that Jesus was going to return. And you know what? This thought scared the hell out of me. What will happen to the all the progress that humanity is going to make. What will happen to life on earth? From that I started thinking about what would be the point of this life, if it is just a test to see whether you get to go to the second life.
This life has meaning and we have to live it. Yet, what if one’s life is not so great? Mine certainly isn’t. Yes, I am a survivor of mental illness. Yes, I have a job. Yes, I am smart. But am I achieving any of the goals I wanted to achieve when I was a kid? No! Am I achieving any of the goals a 33 year old man should achieve? No again! I am not married and haven’t had a girlfriend in years (and that’s being generous about those who I can call girlfriends in the past). So what if it doesn’t get much better than this in the future. What if this is as good as it is going to get?
Well Jesus offers hope in that there is another world to come. So I can just wait till the end of this life to get to a good life? That’s a mentality that I have accepted for years. But not anymore. I want to align my life with my goals. This is a reason I am investing more of my time to be sociable, to make new friends and meet new people. This is why I have enrolled in an MBA program this year so that I will move closer to a better career.
Now of course it is all small steps. But radical steps will lead down the path to insanity again. If I don’t achieve my goals so what? In the end we are all going to the same place. Religion be damned.
During those breaks, I have sought the help and advice of clergy. I was encouraged by my mother (a religious zealot) who at the time would think that I had a vocation to become a priest. Well, the clergy deferred on their views. The reasonable ones recognized that something was wrong with me, but just said to ignore this and focus on working and finding a wife. One cleric actually encouraged me and said that I was having a divine revelation. As it later turns out, he had impregnated a woman and left the clergy.
We are born on this earth and we have to deal with some strange things. Some people are born with two X chromosomes and one Y. They are neither male nor female. Some people are born with less developed brains. Some people are born with a genetic disposition for schizophrenia. Where is God is all of this? I think to myself, that my problems are my cross to bear and I should carry it just like our Lord carried his cross. But then I think to myself what’s exactly the point of bearing a cross. In my second psychosis, I thought that the world was coming to an end and that Jesus was going to return. And you know what? This thought scared the hell out of me. What will happen to the all the progress that humanity is going to make. What will happen to life on earth? From that I started thinking about what would be the point of this life, if it is just a test to see whether you get to go to the second life.
This life has meaning and we have to live it. Yet, what if one’s life is not so great? Mine certainly isn’t. Yes, I am a survivor of mental illness. Yes, I have a job. Yes, I am smart. But am I achieving any of the goals I wanted to achieve when I was a kid? No! Am I achieving any of the goals a 33 year old man should achieve? No again! I am not married and haven’t had a girlfriend in years (and that’s being generous about those who I can call girlfriends in the past). So what if it doesn’t get much better than this in the future. What if this is as good as it is going to get?
Well Jesus offers hope in that there is another world to come. So I can just wait till the end of this life to get to a good life? That’s a mentality that I have accepted for years. But not anymore. I want to align my life with my goals. This is a reason I am investing more of my time to be sociable, to make new friends and meet new people. This is why I have enrolled in an MBA program this year so that I will move closer to a better career.
Now of course it is all small steps. But radical steps will lead down the path to insanity again. If I don’t achieve my goals so what? In the end we are all going to the same place. Religion be damned.
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